Release Therapy

I’m writing this because my brother A’keem told me to; shout out and big ups to him for helping me through. Before we start this, I have two disclaimers:

One: Many of you are not going to want to read this because it is going to be long and extremely depressing and I know you’re used to me being funny. So continue at your own peril.

Two: There is NOTHING WRONG with being single. Let me reiterate: NOTHING WRONG. I am in no way dissatisfied with being single; it’s how it came about that I take issue with.

Leggo, y’all…

About a month ago, after almost two years, I became single. It happened in the middle of the night. It was sudden. I was shocked. I was hurt.

Let me tell you what it felt like: for the first 10 minutes I was numb. I couldn’t move, my mind was foggy, I was speechless. He said he was sorry he hurt me and my self-defense mechanism kicked in: I told him not to be. He wouldn’t even look at me.

People who know me well know two things: I don’t cry and I don’t smile. I have nothing against either function; it’s just not something I allow myself to partake in.

That night… I cried. I tried to keep quiet so my roommates wouldn’t wake up but it was no use. It was intense. I literally cried for hours; I couldn’t stop to save my life. The more I tried to quit, the faster and the harder the tears fell. It felt like my whole world had just been crushed; my heart ripped into a thousand tiny pieces, doused in kerosene and burned. The ashes were unceremoniously flushed down a public toilet.

I woke up the next day feeling absolutely gross. My eyes burned, my body hurt. Everyone kept texting my phone, asking me what happened, bringing up the pain I was trying to push down. I was in the middle of writing two essays and I sobbed the entire time; I was a total train wreck.

I had every intention of going to my biology class, but I just couldn’t leave the room. This had never happened before; rarely had I ever felt a pain this all-consuming. I tried to get myself together, but I failed miserably; I cried all morning.

My poor roommates were so scared; they tried to comfort me but they didn’t know what to do. They ended up leaving me alone in the room to sort through the shambles that was my life.

I talked to A’Keem, who had a similar experience. He told me just about everything I told him when he was going through, but I didn’t want to hear any of it. I wanted him back. I wanted to end this nightmare, I wanted my heart to become whole again

Time passed. I hung out, I partied, I thought I was doing okay. But I wasn’t; not even a week later I was back to sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t understand why it happened; I still don’t. I was breaking and the one person who usually helped me through was the one breaking me; I didn’t know what to do.

Gradually I tried to get better. But the worse was yet to come.

That night he said he still cared about me. He said he would always be there for me. He said he wanted us to still be friends. And then… he ignored me. He wouldn’t answer my texts. He wouldn’t mail my stuff. I gave him the world and he wouldn’t even give me a cold shoulder; it burned me to my very core.

All of a sudden in the middle of the night he texts me. He said just about everything I wanted to hear short of “I made a mistake; please take me back.” Trying to protect what little dignity I had left, I tried to push my hopes down and assumed he was drunk.

We talked about it the next day. Not only was he sober, he was dead serious. But I was still angry; I don’t take too kindly to getting my heart ashes flushed down a toilet. And that anger leaked out before I could stop it: “You left me. You took everything I had and you left. You didn’t even say I love you…”

He got pissed and stopped answering, and the few times we spoke after that he always got mad. I didn’t know what to do; I was so confused.

And then one day it stopped completely. He ignored any attempt through any medium to contact him. It hurt even more than him breaking up with me. I felt like such a fool. And he still had my stuff; I don’t think I’m ever going to get it back.

I don’t know what to do, y’all. I’ve been crying the ENTIRE time I’ve been writing this; the pain is as searing as the day it happened.

One thing I’ve never believed in was the power of love. I mean yeah it sounds nice and it’s the dream little girls are fed since birth but it was never for me. As long as I’ve been dating I’ve been using them, abusing them, and tossing them to the side.

And of course the one time I let go of the illusion, it backhands the crap out of me. I was a fool. And I was stupid and naïve and horribly girlish. I let my guard down and got burned for it.

Lately though, my self-defense mechanism has been kicking in. Better late than never, right? Wrong.

For whatever reason, probably to protect my sanity, my mind has been… erasing certain memories. Things I used to think about all the time don’t even come up on my mind anymore. Daydreams, fantasies, indulgences, all gone, just like that.

You have no idea how hard it is. Every day I think about it. I wish I could be mad but… I can’t. I’m still the naïve little girl who let her guard down, who let her heart go. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do to try to change it, I can’t help myself.

So I’m back at square one. But this square is different; its foreign and unfamiliar. I don’t like it in the least bit.

I was a good girlfriend; no. I was a great girlfriend. When I say I gave him the world, I snatched it up, gift-wrapped it, and had it delivered on the backs of elephants. I go hard in relationships; that’s just how I am. My philosophy is if I don’t do it, some basic crumb-snatching broad will.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. We’ll see how everything plays out… There may be a Release Therapy Part 2 in the near future…

Morbidly Obese...

We're back to talk about even MORE options. That's right; there's no need to rub your grumbling tummy and nibble Saltines after midnight, or even during the day. This blog post is especially directed towards the current and incoming freshman, since I know most of you aren't privy to the information I'm about to share with you. We're in college; life is awesome.

There are several websites that will show you menus from surrounding restaurants for those days when you're tired of the cafeteria. Campusfood.com is one of my favorites because they offer a huge selection of menus, both from sit-down restaurants and from places that deliver. GoGreenMenus.com is also a good website as it caters directly to MSU Spartans.

I'm going to say this twice, because the majority of you aren't going to believe me. Here goes: IHOP delivers. Yes, that's exactly what I said. Once more: IHOP DELIVERS. Because of a wonderful service called Special Delivery you can get that pancake goodness delivered right to your door. And they don't just deliver IHOP; you can get Taco Bell, Apple Bee's, Carraba's, and just about any other restaurant in about a 10 mile radius.

And finally, if you're feeling adventurous (or cause your girlfriend is tired of eating at McDonald's) there are several delicious sit-down restaurants in the area. Los Tres Amigos, a popular spot and one of my favorite hang-outs, has three locations in Lansing alone. And since corporate America is no stranger to college students' sparse bank accounts, many restaurants run specials that will keep you and your wallet quite full.

Well there you have it. You will not starve; help has arrived. Stop eating those Saltines and pick up a menu. And here's a tip: next time you call Gumby's at 1am looking for Pokey Stix, ask for the Gumby's Giveaway. You can thank me later... or now is fine, too...

Life of a Concessionaire Part 2

And we're back.

Concessions is responsible for providing food at several different venues, including Munn Ice Arena, the Breslin Center, Spartan Stadium, and the Agriculture Pavilion. Fortunately for those of us who are students, the only place we work the actual stands are the Pavilion.

The people you see when you come up to buy that billion dollar large Pepsi are non-profit service groups. They work for Concessions during large events like football, basketball, hockey, volleyball, and special events like the Harlem Globetrotters. In exchange for their services, the nonprofits get to keep a percentage of the earnings from the event.

I bet your wondering "if other people are running the stands, what's your purpose in being there?" Well I'm glad you asked.

As a student employee, it is my job to count the inventory in the stands and help them in whatever way possible. This usually means I turn on all their equipment before they arrive, help them with their paperwork, fix any broken equipment, and bring them whatever they need. I also deliver inventory items during the course of the event such as pizza, cases of water,and boxes of pretzels.

The best part of the whole deal is since I don't run the stand, I'm usually in the office eating pizza & drinking pop during the event. A lot of the time I even get to watch the event; I got to see WWE Raw live when they came to the Breslin Center this past March and let em tell you it was pretty freaking sweet.

Don't get me wrong; there are downsides. Running through a large crowd with 3ft tall bags of popcorn is no fun whatsoever. I almost got jumped by the cheerleading squad during Midnight Madness this year when I walked past them with a large stack of fresh-out-the-oven pizzas. A lot of the time the nonprofits ask for stuff we students really don't want to do, like changing the pop bibs.

Its all good, though. I get a free meal every time I work an event and I've gotten to see some pretty cool things. I've gotten to watch all but two football games this season and I've seen several of last season's men's and women's basketball games. I've worked WWE Raw, Carrie Underwood, and Conan O'Brien. I've seen huge quarter horses and the most adorable puppies ever at the Agriculture Pavilion.

I guess Concessions isn't that bad. I'll take Concessions over working in the cafeteria any day...

Life of a Concessionaire Part 1

As most of you know, I work my tail off about 5 times a week for Michigan State University Department of Concessions. Its hard work and its minimum wage but for whatever reason I can't seem to bring myself to quit and get a new job. I even found a better job this summer and still ended up working for Concessions.

We're going to start this story about a year ago, back when I was first accepted into Michigan State University. My first thought was "it's time to find employment." So I filled out application for a ton of places on campus and emailed them all out. And then I waited.

The first department to give me a callback was Concessions, so I jumped on it. I did my phone interview in the middle of class and scheduled my in-person interview for the day before my AOP (Academic Orientation Program). I was super excited to finally have a legitimate legal job.

I did my in-person interview and the bosses loved me. I was hired on the spot, even though I wouldn't be able to work for two months after I was hired. I moved into the dorms a week before school started so I could begin to work. I filled out my paperwork the day after moving in and met one of my best friends, Katie Kennedy, who was filling out her paperwork that day too.

The next day was rough to say the least. I was thrown into the back of a huge truck with windows only in the front. I was taken to the Agriculture Pavilion. Now, this was back when Farm Lane was closed down for construction, so it took way longer than normal to get there. I had no idea where I was and I was scared out my mind.

I walk in the Pavilion and my nostrils are instantly assailed with the glorious scent of horse manure. My supervisor for the day showed me & the other two people working with me how to scrub refrigerators, wipe down counters, clean shelves, sweep, mop, and generally sanitize the stand. It was gross.

After that I swore up and down I was going to quit. But here I am a year later, still working for freaking Concessions. I've seen tons of my friends fired, I've seen events that were total messes. I've even seen two nonprofit groups get fired. Its madness, but... I love my job.

That's all for this blog, folks. Next time, I'll talk about more adventures int he life of a concessionaire.

So Fat...

Let's talk about something I am extremely passionate about: food. That's right: my inner fat girl is writing this article. I have no shame in my game: don't let the small frame fool you. Mama can put away some food...

I would like for it to be known that large universities, especially in the Big Ten (Which now has twelve teams... How'd they work that one out? And the Big Twelve only has ten teams... Madness, I tell you...), may single handedly be responsible for massive amounts of gluttony in college students. And you know what? I'm okay with that. 

For those of you who haven't experienced these pleasures, let me break it down for you. At Michigan State, on-campus students who live in the dorms get an unlimited meal plan that essentially allows you to eat at any and every dorm cafeteria on campus between the hours of 7am and midnight, up 100 times per week, every week. That's right, little piggies. All-you-can-eat without leaving the comfort of your home.

Craving sushi? Come to Brody. Need grilled salmon? Get thyself to Snyder-Phillips. Quesadilla craving? Case caf is the place for you. And the menu changes every day: the possibilities are quite literally endless.

And if that wasn't enough fat for you, MSU created this wonderful thing called Combo-X-Change.You see, if you live on campus but don't want to eat in the Caf, you can go to Sparty's, Union Pizzeria, or Serrano's, swipe your card, and get a meal. Oh yes: believe it.

Instead of paying for those tacos with a side of beans and rice and that 22oz lemonade at Serrano's, swipe your card and its yours. That buffalo chicken pizza, Bosco stick and Pepsi calling your name at the pizzeria? Answer the call. Just gotta have that bagel, string cheese stick and cranberry Everfresh from Sparty's? Get it. What a wallet saver.

And even if you don't live on campus, you can still get in on this fatty goodness. They offer off-campus meal plans for those who aren't in the dorms. You can also get Spartan Cash, which is kind of like turning your ID into a debit card. Just swipe and go into the caf or other eateries and you too can be living the dream.

The best part? That's not even all the options. Thats right you little crumb-snatchers: the selections only get better, especially after the Caf closes at midnight. However, we will talk about this at another time, for I can see that you have destroyed your pants with sheer excitement from all this talk of food. So go throw those soiled knickers out, take a shower, and dream of chicken salad sandwiches, sushi, and rice krispy treats. Bon Appetit...

ISS 335 pt. 2

We're back, folks. I know you've been peeing your pants with anticipation, so here we go:

Post break, we begin to discuss disproportionate rates of poverty between African Americans and White people. Did you know that for every $1.00 a White person makes, and African American only makes about $0.85, even though the majority of African Americans are employed in white collared professions? Startling and saddening...

Next we briefly discussed the book we read, Ain't No Makin It by Jay MacLeod which follows a group of males from their high school years all the way up to their early to mid forties. It's a pretty cool book.

Class then get real with an in-class discussion (yay!). The first topic was directed at the racial minorities in the class: Do you feel welcome at Michigan State? The consensus of the black students was "hell no" as they gave several examples of white advisers saying one thing while the black advisers say another, stories of people who had taken Calculus in high school being enrolled in Math 1825 because of assumptions, and the always fun request from the white people of "Can I touch your hair?" 

Class got even more interesting when the professors asked another question: Do the white students feel unsure about or afraid of interacting with minority students for fear of saying the wrong thing? One white student said he would rather hang out with the African American kids because they are "real and down to earth and not materialistic like those blond sorority girls." The black kids snickered; the blond sorority girl sitting two rows in front of him shot him a dirty look. It was awesome.

Instead of letting the conversation continue and letting us rack up more extra credit points, the professors decided to let us channel all of our pent-up feelings and thought into a journal. Yippee. After the journal was finished, everyone left so the next class could take place.

So there you have it folks. I bet this makes you just want to run to your computers right now and enroll for the class...

ISS 335 pt. 1

Today I went to my ISS 335 (Race, Gender, and Class in America, if you want the topic) class and learned new things.

First, we talked about Irish immigration to America  and watched a short video where we discovered many facts. For instance, did you know that the Irish were one of the few immigrant ethnic groups to travel alone? The oldest daughter was usually sent to America to work and send the money back to help support her family. Irish girls were hired as maids for middle and upper class families and were referred to by their mistresses as "Bridgette". The girls kept some of their earnings and used it for their livelihoods and educations,resulting in the Irish having the oldest marrying age of any immigrant ethnicity. Intense, huh?

Next, we took a quiz (boooooo!) Maybe I didn't study hard enough, maybe my notes were incorrect, but I'm pretty sure the majority of the quiz material was NOT covered in class. Just to be sure, I asked my fellow classmates seated nearby and they confirmed my suspicions. Either we all spaced out at the exact same time, or the material really wasn't covered in class. Whatever; the lowest quiz grade gets dropped anyway.

After the quiz, we went over the answers to one of the versions of the quiz as a class. Yup: this is going to be my quiz that gets dropped. Then we took a 5 minute break, where about half of the class proceeded to get up and leave the building entirely. Not a smart move, considering we have a test next Thursday. Its all good, though. Considering the cost per credit hour nowadays, I stayed my happy hips in that seat.

Because I'm SO sure your just itching to know what happened after the break, I'm going to be a good author and leave you in suspense until the next blog. Mwahahahaha....